Bargaining
by Adoradork
Summary: Raphael would do anything to protect his brothers. But when one brother goes down, all his strength and rage can't fix what's broken. Raphael will promise the impossible if Donnie will just come back to them. But will the universe accept his offerings?
1. Bargaining

There were pizza boxes strewn across the kitchen table, most of them still with pizza inside. Raphael stared at the slice on his plate. He couldn't remember when he had felt less like eating. There was a tight band across his chest that wouldn't go away.

He pushed a box toward Mikey, usually the last person to refuse pizza. "Here, bro."

"No thanks." Mikey played aimlessly with the slice on his plate.

"Leo?"

Leo shook his head. "We should take some in to Master Splinter, though. He hasn't eaten in hours." He reached out for a plate.

Footsteps approached and Splinter came into the kitchen. They all jumped up. The question was on Raphael's lips, but it was Leo who asked first.

"Is he-?"

Splinter shook his head. "No change." He put a slice of pizza on a plate in silence and headed back to the bedrooms.

The three of them exchanged a glance. _No change._ Raphael leaned against the cupboard, his arms folded across his chest like a shield. Mikey hunched over, resting his chin on his folded arms. Leo stood with his head down, hands resting on the benchtop, fingers splayed out, staring at his hands as if they held some sort of answer.

No change for twelve hours. Twelve hours and Donnie would not wake up.

It was Leo who moved first, reaching out to close pizza boxes and stack them in a pile. He put them in the fridge. "All right. Time for our evening patrol."

"What?" Raphael pushed himself off the cupboard. "Are you crazy? We can't go out now!"

"The Kraang aren't going to put their invasion plans on hold just because Donnie is-"

Raphael shoved himself forward until he was inches from Leo's face. "Because Donnie is _what_," he snapped, his hands curling into fists. _Don't say it. Don't say it. If you say it, I'll-_

Leo stared him down until Raphael had to look away. "Because Donnie is out of action. For now." His face was set into stubborn lines. "So we patrol."

_We can't go out there. What if something happens?_ He couldn't even admit to himself what _something_ might be. They couldn't go now. "We're not going. You can't possibly expect us to-" He flung up his hands, unable to say what he wanted to say without touching on the raw place in his chest.

"I can. Staying here won't help. We're going."

"Just...just us?" said Mikey, eyes wide.

Raphael swung around to face Mikey. "Who else, genius?" He lashed out at Mikey's head. He knew the blow was too hard, knew it as soon as he swung, knew it when he heard the snap of Mikey's teeth as his hand connected.

Mikey ducked away from him, hand to his head, blue eyes stormy.

"Enough, Raphael. Mikey. We're going." Leo turned and walked out, head down.

Mikey followed Leo out of the lair. Raphael stood in the kitchen, fists clenched. _Too hard, meathead. Pull your punches!_ He slammed his fist down on the benchtop. The jarring impact sent a shockwave up through his wrist to the shoulder. One breath in, one breath out. It wasn't Mikey's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. But he wanted it to be. Wanted someone or something to blame.

He glanced towards the bedrooms. _If you wake up, Donnie…_ He could still feel the impact of his hand on Mikey's skull.

_If you wake up, I promise I will never slap Mikey again._


	2. Blame

Plasma beams streaked past Raphael's cheek, the heat of them crackling on his skin. He dived behind a crate, adrenalin thundering through his body. Battle-heightened senses screamed at him to move and he rolled aside as the crates exploded behind him, showering him with chips of wood.

He pushed up to his knees and shook his head to clear the dust and splinters off his face. Mikey backflipped across his field of vision, staying ahead of death by seconds and Raph's heart was in his throat as each shot came closer. At the last moment Mikey dived behind a pillar. Raph bolted across the open space, ducked as fire shot over his head, landed on his knees and skidded in beside Mikey. He grabbed Mikey's shoulders, eyes searching frantically for burn marks, for blood.

"We're totally losing!" Mikey yelled, blue eyes wide.

Mikey was fine. "Get your head in the game!" Raphael snapped, and slapped him. He could hear the slash and bite of Leo's swords as he hacked through the Kraang droids. Raphael shifted his sai into a different hold. "Come on. Leo's on his own out there." He dived out, Mikey on his heels. Leo struck down one droid and charged forward, but was pushed back by plasma fire on his unguarded left. The place where Donnie should have been.

And that was the problem. Used to being four, now three, there seemed to be gaps everywhere. Raphael stabbed his sai into a robotic chest, feeling the electric shock snap up his arm to his shoulder. The Kraang took advantage of every blunder and forced them back. The brothers tried to make up for Donnie's absence, tried to be everywhere, and only ended up getting in each others' way.

Frustration had carved lines in Leo's face as he battled to move them forward, to get past the hordes and into the heart of the Kraang facility where they could do some real damage. But it took too long to get through locked doors. Too long to take down the wave of Kraang droids in their way. Too long to figure out what the Kraang were planning.

Questions hovered over them. _How do we open this door, Donnie? What's in those crates, Donnie? Which way should we go, Donnie?_ But Donnie wasn't around to answer Raph's questions.

The doors at the end of the warehouse rolled open, the tramp of Kraang-droid feet audible over the sound of battle. Too many. An endless supply. _Where do they come from? Is there a factory somewhere churning out Kraang droids faster than we can take them out?_

"Plan!" he screamed at Leo, slashing at the mass of bodies in front of him.

Leo hesitated, just for a second, long enough for a Kraang to fire through the chaos. Time seemed to slow down as Leo moved aside. _Too slow, too slow!_ Raph threw himself at Leo, crashing into him, sending them both flying into the surrounding droids. They thudded into the floor, the impact snatching Raphael's breath from his chest. Robotic hands grabbed for them. Raphael surged upwards, roaring, flinging them away. Then Mikey was there, hauling Leo to his feet.

"Out," shouted Leo. "Go!"

There was no point arguing. Raphael swung himself up the wall, followed Mikey through a shattered window, plasma fire spearing after them into the night. They ran across the rooftops until they were sure there was no one following.

Raphael wiped the sweat off his face. His hands shook, adrenalin still playing percussion on his muscles. He clenched his fists around his sai to mask the shaking.

Mikey flopped down against a wall, panting. "Well, that was fun."

Raphael slammed his sai into his harness. "Fun? It was a disaster." He swung around to face Leo. "What the hell were you thinking?"

Leo was leaning over, hands on his knees. He straightened and faced Raphael. "I don't know, Raphael, maybe I was thinking of taking out another Kraang facility?"

"Well, we did a great job there. I'm sure they'll look back and curse our names for completely failing to do any damage at all!"

"Look, we at least know where they are now. They're planning something. So we'll regroup, come back tomorrow and-"

"And what? Dance around and get shot at again?"

Exasperation played across Leo's face. "I'll work out another plan."

"Well I hope it's better than the last one!" _You should shut up now,_ said a cooler voice in his brain, but it was drowned out by the last burning vestiges of adrenalin in his blood. "This is your fault, Leo! If you had listened to me and stayed home, this would never have happened!"

Leo slammed his katana into their scabbards and turned away, his back stiff. Only then did Raphael see the long, dark streak of a plasma burn running down the back of his thigh.

"You're hurt." Guilt squirrelled its way into his guts. "Let me see."

"I'm fine," Leo snapped. The forbidding line of his shoulders said _don't come near me_. "Let's just go home."

By the time they reached the sewer entrance, Leo was limping badly. He hadn't said a word to anyone, not even Mikey. Raph trailed along behind his brothers. The post-fight buzz had come and gone and now he was just tired and angry, angry at Leo for getting hurt, angry at himself for laying the blame for their failed mission on Leo's shoulders. Again.

_You should have listened to me. You should have known we wouldn't be able to take them. You should have kept us home. You should have-_

He knew he wasn't being fair, and that just made the flame in his chest burn more fiercely, until the taste of it rose up into his throat and choked him.

Inside the lair, Leo went straight to Don's lab. Mikey glanced at Raph and followed Leo. Raphael leaned his head on the kitchen bench. No Donnie to poke at their wounds and dole out burn cream and slap on a bandage.

He knew he should follow them into the lab, go and stand beside Leo and apologise. He clenched his fists, felt his fingers dig into his palms. _Just go. Make peace._ But then Leo and Mikey came out of the lab and it was too late. Too hard, now. The moment was gone.

_If you wake up, Donnie, I promise I will never blame Leo for our failures again._


	3. Breathing

Raphael slipped his mask on, then sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the floor. Someone was clattering about outside, probably Mikey in the kitchen, making breakfast. He rubbed a hand over his face and got up with a sigh.

Outside, he crept past the open door to Donnie's room. Should he go in? He hesitated, torn between wanting to check on his brother, but not wanting to see him still lying there, unchanged. Donnie had been down for over twenty-four hours now.

"It is time to wake up, my son." Raphael froze. Splinter's voice was barely above a whisper. He edged closer to the doorway so he could look through. Splinter knelt beside the bed. Donnie lay in exactly the same position as yesterday, the covers pulled tight across his chest. Raphael held his breath, watching for the slight rise and fall of his plastron. Barely a movement at all.

"You are worrying your family. This is not acceptable." Splinter reached out a hand and stroked Donnie's forehead. "Come now. Come back to us." The tone was low, but commanding. Raphael's heartbeat sped up. No one denied Splinter when he used that tone. Surely Donnie would hear him and wake up, open his eyes. Surely Splinter would get through to him, wherever he was.

But the seconds passed and nothing changed. Splinter sighed and cupped his hand gently around Donnie's cheek. "My son…"

Raphael fled. His vision blurred. Stupid. He scrubbed at his eyes. He couldn't breathe through the iron band across his chest. He clenched his fist, slammed it into the wall. That was better. There was a burning behind his eyes. He punched the wall again.

When his breathing was under control, he pushed off the wall and headed for the kitchen. Mikey was prepping for breakfast, rattling pots and pans, but without his usual vigour.

"You want eggs?" said Mikey.

Raphael shook his head. "I'm not hungry." His guts tightened with nausea.

"No. Me either." Mikey put the pan down on the stove with a sigh.

Leo walked into the kitchen, snapping the knot on his mask tight. "You should eat. Starving yourself won't help."

Raphael glared at Leo. "Yeah. Hate to let a little tragedy ruin your appetite."

"That's not what I meant. I just mean that it's pointless to...to mope around. We have to keep going, keep training. Like normal." He nodded to Mikey. "Make breakfast for everyone."

_But this isn't normal. And I don't want it to become normal. _"Yeah, go ahead Mikey, make breakfast," he said, knowing it would annoy Leo. The band across his chest tightened, forcing him to take short, sharp breaths.

"Guys, come on," said Mikey. "It's fine, I can make breakfast."

"Why do you have to turn everything I say into a fight?" said Leo, his hands clenched at his sides.

"Why do you have to say such stupid shit?"

"Language."

"Oh sorry, Splinter junior."

"Guys-" pleaded Mikey.

Raphael stormed off to the training dummy and hammered it with fists and feet, pounding his feelings into the stuffed form. Better the dummy than Leo. Why had he said that? He glanced over to the kitchen.

Mikey was making eggs. Leo leaned on the counter. He pushed up his mask and rubbed at his face. Even from here Raphael could see the dark circles under his eyes that spoke of a sleepless night.

Raphael pulled out his sai and stabbed the dummy a couple of times. Leo's battle to achieve sleep was one they were all familiar with now, as much a part of the landscape as the furniture. He grabbed the dummy and slammed his knee into it. He didn't want to ask, didn't want to know about Leo's current nightmares. Of brothers falling badly, lying still and pale and unresponsive. Of a sensei silent and grim.

Raphael leaned on the dummy. He didn't have nightmares. When he slept, he slept. He dreamed, sometimes, and sure, some dreams were bad. But they didn't haunt him, didn't take over his sleeping and waking life. He'd mentioned this to Donnie. Once.

_It's because you have a limited imagination. You're a D-type personality. You don't like routine and you don't like details, and you have a tendency to-_

He'd never found out what he had a tendency to, because he'd interrupted the uncalled for psychological assessment with his fist. But he had a feeling Donnie was going to say _a tendency to over-react._

_You know so much, don't you Donnie? Well it didn't help you, did it? Maybe if you spent more time training and less time thinking..._

But that wasn't fair, either. How many times had Donnie's knowledge pulled their shells out of the fire?

_But when it was Donnie who needed saving, where were we?_

Leo stumbled and pulled up, shaking his head. _Right now I'm glad I have a limited imagination._ His daytime thoughts were bad enough. Seeing Leo fighting to keep going made him glad, not for the first time, that nightmares were not something he had to bear.

He sighed, and laid into the dummy again with his fists. The movement felt good, cathartic, the rhythmic thud of his knuckles was something he could concentrate on, other than thoughts of…

He slammed his foot into the dummy to stop that line of thought. But he couldn't.

_Donnie, if you wake up, I promise I will always listen to what you are telling me. All of it._


	4. Blood

No one spoke much at breakfast, though Mikey tried for a while to smooth over the tension. Leo fiddled with his food, his gaze distant. Raphael kept his eyes on his plate, stabbing forkfuls of eggs and forcing them down. They tasted of ash in his mouth.

Leo pushed his plate away. "Splinter wants us to train this morning."

Raphael grunted in response. Good. A few hours of sweat would help. He needed movement, needed it badly. They dumped their plates in the sink and headed for the dojo. Leo paused on the edge to bow in respect. Raphael made a perfunctory bow and pushed past him, eager to get to work, to calm the whirling mess in his head. He ignored Leo's pointed sigh.

Leo straightened. "All right. Let's start with _kata_."

"What?" Form work. He hated form work. "Why can't we spar?"

"Master Splinter wants us to work on _Kame no Kata_ and _Sanchin no Kata_."

"Are you kidding? That's baby stuff! We learned that years ago!"

Leo looked exasperated. "Well, maybe he feels that we need to refresh, since we haven't done them for ages. I don't know. Just do it, Raph."

"Fine. And then we can spar?"

Leo ignored him, settling into the first movement of _Kame no Kata_. Mikey followed suit. Raphael growled and lined up beside them. _Just focus. Breathe. Get through it and then you can work out this...this…_ He had no words for the pain inside.

He breathed in, clenched his fists, snapped out the first punch. At least you could see cuts and bruises. Block, kick. Whack a bandage on it and in a few days it would be better. He moved through the form, putting as much of his anger into the movements as he could. There was no bandage for this. Punch, sweep, kick. Nothing that they could do that would fix what was broken inside Donnie. He worked his way to the end of the second kata and dropped his hands, relieved. Done. Now he could lose himself in something more worthwhile.

"What the hell was that?" said Leo. He glared at Raphael, arms folded across his chest.

"What?"

"You're moving like a board. Where's your flow?"

"My _flow_? Who cares? I did it, didn't I? Hurry up and finish so we can fight."

"No, I'm going to take the time to do it _right_."

"Fine, I'll spar with Mikey then."

"Leave Mikey out of this. He's actually working on his kata." He wasn't. He was standing behind Leo, watching them argue, looking resigned. "Do it again."

"No! I did it just fine!"

"You didn't even try! What's the point of doing it if you're not going to make the effort to do it right?" snapped Leo.

"I am doing it right! I don't need to perfect form to hit people!"

Raphael saw the exact moment when Leo's control shattered. Leo lashed out with his fist, his face ugly with rage. Raphael threw up his arm, blocking the first punch, and the second, adrenalin surging through his body. This is what he needed. A whisper of guilt surfaced, overridden by the thirst for physical contact, for physical pain to shut down the pain in his head.

Mikey shouted at them to stop, but it was all just background noise. He welcomed each impact, each connection of fists and feet, each spurt of pain clearing a space in his head, empty of all but the fight. He chased that feeling, welcomed it, threw his own anger at his brother with elbow and foot and fist.

Leo pushed him back with a hail of perfectly aimed blows. Raphael felt the skin on his cheek split, the snap of pain in his elbow. He realised suddenly that Leo wasn't holding back. Wasn't pulling his punches. Each precise blow found its mark and Raphael slowed as the beating took its toll. Dimly he realised he was losing. He blocked, ducked aside. Wrong way. Leo's knee smashed him in the face. He stumbled back, shaking his head, trying to focus. He looked up in time to see Leo's foot sweep around. The impact on his plastron drove the air from his lungs. He slammed onto the floor, pain shooting across his cheek.

"_Leo!_"

Mikey's shout seemed to come from a long way away. Spots danced across Raphael's vision, and his cheek burned. Through a haze he saw Leo's feet in front of him, heard the tear and rasp of Leo's breath. And then he turned and ran out of the dojo.

Footsteps approached. Mikey crouched down beside him, rested a hand on his shoulder. "Bro? You okay?"

As his head cleared the realisation of what he'd done came crashing down. Leo's face. He shook off Mikey's hand. "Leave me alone." Mikey sighed, but got up and left. Raphael hoped he'd gone to Leo.

Raphael lay on the floor of the dojo looking up at the grate in the ceiling. He should feel better. He'd got what he wanted. _At the cost of Leo's self-control_. He groaned and slammed his fists onto the floor. _Leo, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. _He rolled over onto his front and buried his face in his arms. It was always like this after he lost control. Never peace. Always remorse. _I just wanted to clear my head. I didn't mean to make you lose it._ He stared at the carpet, at the pattern of light and shadow made by his arms. _Please Donnie, please wake up. Before I break something past the point of repair._

_If you wake up, I promise I won't argue with Leo about training ever again. I won't. I swear._


End file.
